Leil Lowndes is a professional communications consultant who has made a living providing direction and insight in the field of human connection. Her book How to Talk to Anyone offers you, the reader, 92 tips and tricks that can improve your personal and professional communication outcomes.
If you had to start somewhere, I believe these are the ten most useful tips from the book. From acquaintance to friend to colleague, each of these will act as a tool in your toolbelt as you navigate the waters of social interaction. While not a comprehensive list, I believe these tips apply the most broadly.
No Naked Information
This is actually several tips from the book rolled into one. Detail is the lifeblood of conversation. The more each party can infuse, the more vibrant a social interaction.
Some people trick themselves into thinking that the other person can’t possibly find them interesting. That, or they convince themselves that it’s entirely the responsibility of the other person to excavate details out of every little thing that’s said.
Both of these ideas are false. Leil refers to this as “naked” information. Information that’s tossed out without any clarification or features.
When you give out any information about yourself -interests, hobbies, occupation, home town- always accompany it with a small factoid or taste of additional detail. This allows the other person to build their own response on that metadata.
Say you’re from Ashland, Pennsylvania and you tell someone as much. You spill the beans and expectantly look to your conversation partner to respond.
How can they respond? “Cool”?
Imagine instead that you say, “I’m from Ashland, Pennsylvania. It’s in the heart of the old coal mining region of eastern Pennsylvania.” Now you’ve handed your partner ammunition.
“Oh cool. Do they still do any mining there? I imagine that area has lots of historical relevance. Are there museums or anything like that?”
Boom. You’re off and running.
Never hand someone naked information.
Have a Working Knowledge of Many Hobbies
It’s one thing to be well read, it’s an entirely different thing to be experienced. High-level knowledge of a broad range of topics will give you an edge while talking since you naturally have more things to reference.
Knowing stuff is one thing, but physical experience in things gives you a true understanding.
You can read a tennis magazine and understand the core concepts. At the same time, you know almost nothing about the actual play of the game until you’ve played yourself.
How does that court feel as your sneakers grip the rough surface? What does that thwack of the ball feel like as it bounces off your racquet and reverberates down your arm? Even further, what does it smell like as the summer sun heats up that asphalt court?
It’s like the start of Robin Williams’ monologue from Good Will Hunting:
So if I asked you about art you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that.
Channel that. Experience as many things as you can to give yourself true insider knowledge about a broad range of topics. Through fascination and exploration, you’ll build a rock-solid foundation of knowledge that can prop up any conversation.
Be a renaissance man. Try it all.
Big Baby Pivot
In the book, Leil talks about a friend who was actively looking to connect with people at a party. However, every time someone would approach her, she would turn slightly and give a small smirk as they started talking to her.
Eventually, all of her conversation partners would excuse themselves and move on.
Then, the host’s toddler wanders through and bumps into the leg of Leil’s friend. This time, she turns completely and bends down with a huge smile as she asks him how he’s doing.
The difference in warmth was palpable. Thus, the big baby pivot trick was born.
Whenever someone new enters a conversation with you and you’re looking to connect with them, turn to them completely and smile warmly. This makes the person feel like they’re the most important person in the room. You’ve swiveled your spotlight directly onto them and fully engaged.
When you commit, others will commit in response.
Revisit Interrupted Statements
Understandably, people want to feel heard. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life and distraction, it’s easy to interrupt conversations.
Someone’s right in the middle of telling a story or making a point when your kids come crashing through the room. The TV plays a sudden ad or the waiter arrives with your food.
Leil suggests paying attention to these moments. Often, we breeze right past these things and restart the conversation somewhere completely different from where it left off. Bad.
You might not remember that the other person was interrupted, but they certainly will. Think back to a story you were telling while seemingly nobody was listening. Did you just let your sentence trail off or plow ahead regardless of the engagement?
Either way, you felt disheartened. Like the people you were with didn’t actually care about what you were saying.
This is the same when someone is interrupted and the conversation moves on without them getting a chance to finish.
Instead, make a point of directly engaging the person again post-interruption.
“Sorry, you were saying?”
“I think you were making a point there before we were interrupted.”
“Go on.”
Make an effort to metaphorically hand the microphone back to people when needed.
Remember Personal Details
I’m combining tips from the book here again, but they all have the same flavor. People like people who take an interest. Show people you care by remembering their personal details and stories.
In the book, Leil talks about a man who would jot a simple note on the back of the business card of every person he met. Then, when he would call on them months down the line, he would slide that detail into the conversation or correspondence.
The effect was electric. It would feel like he had decided you were the most interesting person in the world. The single remembered detail screams, “I recognize you. You were an interesting person. Here’s a connection we shared when we originally chatted.”
I talked about this in a previous post as well. Go out of your way to remember other people’s:
- Names
- Occupations
- Hobbies/Interests
- Accomplishments
These details are the way to someone’s heart.
Elevate Your Phone Voice
In the modern world of communication, it’s important to modify your approach depending on the medium of connection. We’re increasingly talking to each other through phones, videocams, and online chats.
While this allows for easier connection, it reduces the human element of face-to-face interaction. We can’t read each other’s body language, tone, or facial cues as well.
The example Leil gives is of a woman who she routinely talks to over the phone. While accommodating, the woman comes across as brusque and aloof. Then, in a surprise twist, Leil actually meets the woman in person.
Face-to-face, the woman is a delight! She’s caring, warm, and even more accommodating. What gives?
Turns out, Leil couldn’t read all of these subtle cues over the phone. The lady simply replicated her in-person mannerisms while speaking across the wire. But nobody can see that.
Instead, she should’ve elevated her delivery to emphasize her warmth. Speak clearly, use more inflection, physically smile while speaking into the phone.
We can all take notes from this.
While on a video call, close all other applications on your computer. Focus on the speaker.
Try to nod and smile with what they’re saying. Leave yourself off mute once in awhile to provide the subtle “mmhmms” and “ahhs” that we all expect in a verbal conversation.
If you’re in an online chat, use punctuation other than just periods. The exclamation point is your friend!
Try to write how you speak. Toss an emoji in if it helps get your tone across.
Use all of the tools at your disposal to nurture good communication even through digital or long distance mediums.
Confident Posture
Confidence is everything. An unrefined approach in a social situation can still work if done confidently. To that point, we can trick ourselves into being more confident.
There’s a circular feedback loop between your brain and your physical body. Slouch. Hide. Cower. Your brain realizes that you don’t feel confident in that moment.
Stand tall. Pull your shoulders back. Casually survey the room. Suddenly your mind thinks you’re large and in charge.
Use this to your advantage.
There’s a section in How to Talk to Anyone about practicing this routine. Leil refers to it as “hang by your teeth” since the tip came to her while watching a trapeze artist swing using her mouth. The motion forced the athlete’s body into a strong, direct posture that projected a feeling of confidence.
You don’t need to run out and start biting things or hanging from your teeth. Instead, make a conscious effort to correct your posture before you enter any room. Dozens of daily repetitions will eventually build up to you subconsciously course correcting.
Use this habit to build the subconscious drive to maintain a confident posture wherever you go.
Parrot Sentences
Just like revisiting interrupted topics or remembering personal details, parroting sentences makes a person feel heard. Assuring people you’ve taken an interest in them is the name of the game.
This tip is pretty self-explanatory. Make a habit of just repeating the words that someone has said to you when appropriate. This provides a host of benefits:
- Reassures the person you heard what they said
- Allows the person to correct you if needed
- Provides an opportunity for the person to expand on their previous sentence
- Gives you an out if you don’t have anything to say
Parroting can keep the conversation flowing where it may have stalled otherwise.
Someone hinted at a personal dilemma but you’re unsure if they want to talk about it. Rather than prying, you tack a question mark onto the end of that person’s last sentence. Now, that person can choose to expand or redirect all at no cost to you.
When in doubt, bust parroting out.
Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene
Mind, body, feedback loop. Yada, yada, yada. I won’t bore you by repeating myself on that topic, but this tip builds off of that thread.
Sometimes, we fall into the trap of novelty, inexperience, or unforeseen circumstances which causes us to splutter and stumble in social situations. Give yourself an edge.
If the event you’re going to is a big important networking event, go through a dress rehearsal beforehand. Take a lap in your living room pretending to greet several people and engage in a minute or two of conversation.
You’d be surprised what this does for your confidence levels. Now, your brain has some default patterns to fall back to in the case that you start to get out of your depth during the actual event. You can safely tread water rather than drowning.
This technique is further expanded on in books like Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. There’s a certain level of comfort built through repeated exposures to something and your mind can’t tell the difference between physical experience and vividly imagined events.
Tell yourself that you’re confident enough and you’ll eventually become so.
Prosaic With Passion
Not surprisingly, people don’t remember much of what you say. We’re increasingly met with an onslaught of 24/7 information that overwhelms the mind.
However, people will remember your tone and the overall message of what you said.
With that in mind, focus on maintaining a warm, friendly tone when you speak to people. Make them want to talk to you. Give them your attention and all of the goodwill you can muster.
This should encourage people who worry about what they’re saying which causes them to be shy or socially anxious. You can say some borderline outlandish things as long as they’re delivered with a smile and genuine warmth.
Remember: tone not text.
Tone works the opposite way as well though. Don’t complain.
We all fall into the trap of moaning about our lives, but it’s important to steer clear of it as much as possible. Everybody has problems. Everyone has the ability to be a miserable wretch.
It’s up to us to keep that in check so other people don’t come to see us as Negative Nancys.
Wrapping Up
In my opinion, these are the top ten tips from How to Talk to Anyone, but the book is worth the read to hear the other 82 tips as well.
Take a crack at implementing some of these in your daily socialization. Thanks for reading.
-Two-Bit Stoic