Debra Fine has made a living as a small talk expert. She’s traveled the country handing out knowledge around starting and keeping conversations alive. Seminars, group settings, speaking events, book writing, she’s dabbled in several mediums. In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk, she gathers a condensed version of her various tips and tricks into an easily-digestible read. We’ll get into all of that in The Fine Art of Small Talk book review.
Overview
Originally published in 2003, The Fine Art of Small Talk (get it, her last name is Fine?) is a short, lightweight read for those looking to get some bang for their buck in small talk education.
I’ll start by saying that I like this book. The writing is simple and the message is clear. Small talk is simple but not easy.
Debra starts by giving you background information about her previous life as a shy, nerdy engineer (her words, not mine) right off the bat. I think this does a great job of establishing authority in the communication space.
“I was once hopelessly bad at maintaining conversations. Here’s how I worked through it. You can too.”
Even more reassuring, she details how she was well into her professional career before she made the improvements. That hands out a little shining nugget of hope for those of who are *cough* a little more long in the tooth. None of that “I was hopelessly shy at 18. Here’s how I became a social stallion by 20.”
That being said, I think there are useful lessons and instructions in here for anyone who picks the book up.
Pace
The book moves quick.
Chapters are pretty short and the book itself is only 200 odd pages. On top of that, it’s a physically small book so you’re not cramming a ton of wordage into the thing.
It took me around 2 total hours of reading time and that’s with countless distractions in the household occurring simultaneously. Short and sweet.
Content
There are no gimmicks or flashiness here. What you see is what you get.
Each chapter is the standard heading followed by prose followed by next chapter.
It does have the standard “things you can try” standalone boxes of information juxtaposed into the text. A classic calling card you’ll find in a huge percentage of self-help books.
I often found myself reading the first two to three bullet points in each of these and then skipping the rest. They may be more helpful for someone who was actually looking to write some of the tips down for later reference.
Rough Edges
There are a few burs in the book as you’ll find with any writing. Nothing major, but a handful stick out.
Debra has one anecdote describing a learning group setting where she was teaching a small talk class. She throws in a blurb of dialogue as follows:
It may just be me. And I may just be too critical here. But that dialogue sounds unnatural just reading it, let alone two people speaking that way out loud.
Sure, it may be embellished or propped up just for the sake of fitting the book. However, I would find it off-putting if someone used my name that many times in an 8 sentence conversation. Alright, done nitpicking.
Unclear Point
The next example feels like a potential editor miss since it comes completely out of left field.
At one point, she’s talking about making sure you actually care enough to dig into a person’s response if you want to keep a conversation alive. She gives the example of asking her husband how his day was and him responding with “Great!”.
The lesson is that you have to then ask the person why it was so great if you don’t want the conversation to die there. A fine lesson.
However, she follows that up with the oddest blurb about a conversation filled with clichés. I’ll just quote it here since it’s hard to explain even after having read it.
My husband doesn’t think I really
care about his day unless I ask more. I invite conversation
by saying, What made it so great? What went on for you
today?
The following script illustrates a conversation mired
in a rut of clichés:
Debra: Hi Jon! How are you today?
Jon: I’m feeling pretty blue.
Debra: Well Jon, keep your chin up!
Jon: I think I might get laid off!
Debra: Good jobs are few and far between.
Jon: Do you think I should start looking for a
new job right away?
Debra: If you don’t lift a finger you could be
out in the cold, perhaps not even able to
bring home the bacon much less keep
body and soul together, and wouldn’t
that be a fine kettle of fish?
Jon: What do you think the best approach
would be? Looking through the Sunday
classified ads?
Debra: Sure. Take the bull by the horns. Put
your best foot forward and face the
let’s give ’em something to talk about . 53
music. You are no babe in the woods
and you’re not getting any younger. If
you go at it you might get more offers
than you can shake a stick at!
Whenever you begin a dialogue with a question, get
ready to dig deeper so that the other person knows you
are interested in hearing more.
To this day, I don’t know what the point of that conversation was in the context of the surrounding text.
Advice I Wouldn’t Give
One bit of advice stood out to me as something that I would never do myself.
In her chapter on striking up conversations, she breaks down different tactics whether you’re approaching a single person, two people talking, or an entire group.
For the couple that’s conversing, she suggests that you can walk up and tap one on the shoulder to say, “Can I take a turn in the conversation here?” The person you tapped is supposed to gracefully bow out without complaint. Think the cliché “mind if I cut in?” dance scene from countless movies throughout the years.
“Of course you can blast your way right into the middle of a conversation the two of us were having. I’ll see myself out now that you’ve wedged yourself in.” All of that with a smile.
Personally, I could never see myself doing that and I wouldn’t recommend others do it either. It just screams self-absorbed approach to me.
I will give her credit though. I think the advice she gives immediately following that is sound.
She states you can take a pseudo approach. You tap the person you want to talk to and excuse yourself for the interruption. Inform that person that you’d love a chance to speak with them before they leave for the night. Then leave the two conversing as before and let the person find you later.
Do this. Don’t do the first thing.
Fine Points Indeed
There are some shining moments in the book that make it worth the read.
I’ll give it to Debra Fine, her writing does make it feel like she teaches this stuff for a living. You can feel the authenticity.
I mentioned it before, but I also appreciate the fact that she’s constantly building authority. She repeatedly mentions her own struggles with communication and then provides the tools she used to overcome those things.
The book reads like a field guide. It’s more application than theory which is likely what most of us want in a self-help book.
Additionally, I appreciate the fact that she provides examples from actual classes and seminars she’s given on the subject matter at hand. That only further boosts her authority on the topic.
In fact, one of the critiques I had in my How to Talk to Anyone book review was that the author there didn’t do the same.
I feel it’s important to highlight your experiences if it’s your literal job to teach people this stuff.
Field Reference
While I didn’t pay thorough attention to the dozens of tips and tricks bullet point boxes in the book, I do think they’d be useful for someone who wanted a quick reference guide after reading.
They make it easy for a person to copy down some of their favorite tidbits and store them on a notecard for later reference.
The Star Chapter
One chapter in particular stood out to me above all others.
In it, Debra breaks down various “villains” you’ll come across during your small talk journey and how to negate them. These villains have specific calling cards and are easily spotted.
You’ve probably spoken to a few just in the past week alone.
For example, “the monopolizer” is a character who will grab the spotlight and hold it for the remainder of the conversation if allowed. Despite the efforts or growing boredom of other participants, nobody can seem to pry the dialogue away from the single individual.
Other villainous or unsavory characters include the know-it-all, the poor sport, the one-upper. By the end, she’s described a handful of conversational personalities to look out for.
This chapter just came alive for me. It’s funny. It’s practical. It makes you think.
I like that she provides legitimate advice on how to negate these bad actors should you come across them.
The chapter also gives the reader pause. “Have I been guilty of these crimes before?”
Honestly, I thought the author could expand this one chapter alone into a small standalone book. Provide even more descriptive detail for the various villains and then supply several more techniques for combatting each one.
Overall
The Fine Art of Small Talk is a quick and easy read with some good information in it.
I like the character building that Debra does for herself, providing background information and authority. “I was once shy and horrible at conversation. Let me teach you some tricks I used to overcome that.”
There are some rough edges in the book that some more aggressive editing would have likely solved.
The back quarter of the book gets a little loopy.
At some point, the chapters start to become consolidated summaries of previous chapters with little to no warning. Then, the last chapter or two go back to the normal flow.
It just makes for an odd read at points.
That being said, it doesn’t take away from the book overall.
I think one of the main problems for any self-help book in a space like this is that there are a finite number of things that you can talk about. This book makes many of the same points as other books in the small talk/communication space.
However, I think Debra Fine does it in a way that is all her own. The originality is the key to expounding on topics that others have tread down before you.
You can feel her personality through her writing which is always appreciated. She repeatedly references her husband, experiences, and other personal details that breathe life into the words.
While I don’t feel that this book will remain in my collection of all-time greats, I do think it makes for a good one-time read. There’s enough useful information in this small book that the minimal effort required to get through it makes it well worth it.
If I had to sum it up in one sentence: “It’s a good coffee table book with some handy tricks delivered with a personal style that the author conveys well.”
Grab a copy. Read it for yourself. Gift it to a friend.
Thanks for reading The Fine Art of Small Talk book review.
-Two-Bit Stoic